Unheard, Unseen: Recognizing the Subtle Signs of Domestic Violence
By Shelly-Anne Johnson, LCSW
“I am at the police station right now, he just tried to choke me” those words shook me to my core as I listened to my childhood friend on the other line crying and shaken. As she detailed the account of the night before and her boyfriend’s violent attack, I couldn’t help but feel…helpless. How could I have not known this? She had been living with her abuser for over 4 years, and now 2 kids later and one on the way, she’d finally had enough. “I thought he was going to kill me, I have to leave for myself, for my kids.” In that moment I sprang into action. I needed to rescue my friend who is states away, but where do I turn for support in Georgia?
This story of power and control, the fight for dignity and at times the fight for their very lives has been told over and over again by women all across the globe. While men can be the victims of domestic violence, women are disproportionately affected. According to NCADV.ORG 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner. Much like my friend, victims of domestic violence are often left isolated and without a support system making it seem impossible to get help. It became apparent during my research that for many help is not easily accessible. I was eventually given the number to a national domestic violence line, who then directed me to a few places for further assistance. While the hotline is helping my friend with a safe exit plan, for now she is still in harm’s way.
Knowing the warning signs of an abuser and of one being abused would have empowered me to help my friend sooner. For some, this information could mean the difference between life and death. The warning signs are often so subtle that even the survivor may overlook and/or normalize them. Here are some of the common signs to pay attention to:
SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE PARTNER:
- Telling you that you never do anything right.
- Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them.
- Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members, or peers.
- Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people.
- Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school.
- Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses.
- Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with.
- Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.
- Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions.
- Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.
- Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.
- Destroying your belongings or your home.
SIGNS THAT A LOVED ONE IS BEING ABUSED:
- Acting differently than they normally do
- Exhibiting increased aggressive behavior
- Being jumpier or more on guard
- Having difficulty with sleep or having nightmares
- Withdrawing and not wanting to be around other people
- Losing interest in activities they once liked
- Having unexplained physical injuries
- Being moodier (angry, depressed, sad) than normal
- Being preoccupied with sex
- Engaging in harmful behaviors (this could include self-harm, drug use, and risky or unhealthy sexual behavior)
The next steps ate being able to recognize the different types of abuse and understanding the various ways that abuse appears. This can help prepare you or your loved one to respond in the safest way possible during these situations.
DIFFERENT TYPES OF ABUSE
Physical Abuse-Can include: Physical assault, driving recklessly, forced substance abuse, trapping you in the home, preventing emergency services, preventing eating/sleeping etc.
Emotional/Verbal Abuse-Can include: Name calling and insults, isolation, gaslighting, threats, acting jealous/possessive, monitoring activity, controlling what you wear etc.
Sexual Abuse-Can include: Forced to dress in a sexual way, insults in a sexual way, force or manipulate into performing sexual acts or having sex; choke/restrain/holding down during sex without consent etc.
Financial Abuse-Can include: Providing an allowance & monitoring how it’s spent, depositing your check into an account you cannot access, preventing you from working, stealing your money, withdrawing money from children’s savings acct etc.
Other forms of abuse include: Reproductive coercion, sexual coercion, digital abuse, stalking and more.
If you are anything like me, then you would have no idea where to go to seek help. During my search for support for my friend I came across some helpful resources of which I will share below. What I have found to be the greatest help to my friend is being present and creating a safe space for her to vent. I have also become a sounding board for her ideas. Together with the help of the national domestic violence hotline, she is starting to formulate a plan to stand up for herself, her children and to safely leave this chapter of her life behind.
National Domestic Violence hotline: 1800-334-2836
Local Resource (GA) Partnership against domestic violence: 770-963-9799
Online resource: www.thehotline.org (Top left hand corner, click on “get help” then “local resources”-to find help in your area)
References:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2784629/
https://www.jahonline.org/article/S1054-139X(07)00065-1/fulltext
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/06/world/coronavirus-domestic-violence.html