Surviving Loneliness while Healing from a Toxic Relationship
By: Shelly-Anne Johnson, LCSW
What happens when the person you love doesn’t love you, or leaves you feeling undeserving, hopeless, and unfulfilled? At our core, most of us yearn for connection and the assurances that accompany wholesome romantic relationships. This innate desire for connection is the reason why so many of us stay in unhealthy relationships or go back to them…. we do not want to feel alone. We will cling to the sliver of hope that this person will treat us fairly. This longing can drive us to settle for mere morsels from a partner when, in truth, we deserve complete and satisfying relationships, complete with all the trimmings.
So, you have mustered up the strength to leave, you know that you deserve better. Initially you are empowered, you are brave, confident and know you have made the right decision. You have the coming out party and you revel in having your own space. However, as time passes, loneliness and doubt creep in. You begin romanticizing the good times and minimize the bad ones. You start doubting yourself and question whether you were too hasty in your decision making, “what if the next person is worse, what if this is the best I can do, what if this person is what I deserve.” I am here to tell you that this is a PR campaign targeting your self-worth. You are deserving of love. This article is for anyone who finds themselves at a crossroad; whether you are in a toxic relationship and you are trying to leave, or you have left and are doubting your decision because the weight of loneliness feels heavier than the toxicity you endured in the relationship.
Healing from a toxic relationship can be an arduous journey, often accompanied by a profound sense of loneliness. This loneliness can feel isolating and overwhelming. It’s essential to understand that loneliness is a natural part of the healing process, it is to be expected. Finding effective ways to manage it is crucial for overall well-being. Drawing on attachment theory and internal family systems, this article offers valuable insights and practical tips to help you navigate and alleviate loneliness during your healing journey.
Attachment theory explores the way we form and maintain relationships throughout our lives. It posits that our early experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles, influencing how we relate to others in adulthood. The more you learn about your attachment style, the more you will be able to recognize it in yourself and others. Recognizing your patterns of attachment can help you make sense of your experiences and develop healthier relationships in the future.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is another useful therapeutic modality that can provide a roadmap into deeper understanding of the mind and how to create a healing pathway forward. IFS views the mind as a collection of sub-personalities or “parts.” These parts can be in harmony or conflict with one another, influencing our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
When healing from a toxic relationship, it’s common to experience inner turmoil and conflicting emotions. The very act of thinking and inner conflict is merely our parts interacting. By practicing IFS techniques, you can cultivate self-awareness and compassion for the different parts of yourself that may be wounded or in need of healing. Developing trust and understanding in our inner world will greatly impact the way we show up in our outer world.
It can be useful to employ your understanding of your attachment style with Internal Family Systems (IFS) to create a solid pathway forward on your healing journey. Below I have outlined how to use the two therapeutic models described above to FastTrack your healing and added a few tips for managing the loneliness we sometimes feel on our healing journey.
- Identify Your Attachment style: Begin by exploring your attachment style – whether it’s secure, anxious, avoidant, or a combination. This awareness can help you understand your tendencies in relationships and guide you in developing healthier connections moving forward.
- Cultivate Self-Compassion: Cultivating self-compassion involves acknowledging and soothing the wounded parts of yourself. Embrace self-kindness and treat yourself with the same empathy you would offer a friend or a child. Consistently engaging in acts of loving kindness is crucial, even if you haven’t fully embraced it within yourself. If it is challenging to envision self-directed loving kindness, consider visualizing it coming from someone who cares for you, now or in the past.
- Build a Supportive Inner Community: Utilize the principles of IFS to build a supportive inner community. Identify the parts of yourself that need comfort and companionship. Visualize nurturing relationships within your internal system, providing a sense of connection, trust, and reducing feelings of isolation. Once you love yourself, you can then attract the type of love you deserve into your life.
Tips for Managing Loneliness:
- Reconnect with Yourself: Take this opportunity to reconnect with your inner self and explore your interests, passions, and values. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. You can start by pursuing creative hobbies or engaging in an activity you used to enjoy or feel passionate about, but have long abandoned. By nurturing your relationship with yourself, you can cultivate a sense of wholeness and resilience.
- Establish Boundaries: Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is pivotal in preventing toxic relationships from resurfacing. Clearly define your limits and communicate them assertively, safeguarding your well-being.
- Practice Mindfulness and Meditation: Incorporate mindfulness and meditation into your daily routine. These practices can help you stay present, manage intrusive thoughts, and cultivate a sense of inner peace, reducing the impact of loneliness. A simple way to do this is by engaging your senses with your surroundings (i.e., 5 things I see, 4 things I hear, 3 things I smell, 2 things I feel and 1 thing I taste).
- Foster Healthy External Connections: While internal work is essential, external connections are equally crucial. While healing from a toxic relationship, it’s important to surround yourself with supportive friends, family members, or mental health professionals who can offer empathy and encouragement. Seek out individuals who validate your experiences and provide a safe space for you to express your emotions without fear of judgment.
- Seek Professional Support: Consider seeking therapy from a qualified mental health professional specializing in trauma and attachment. Professional guidance can provide support as you navigate the complexities of healing from a toxic relationship and rebuilding your sense of self-worth.
Coping with loneliness during the process of recovering from a toxic relationship demands patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to explore the depths of your emotional landscape. By integrating principles from attachment theory and internal family systems, you can cultivate greater self-awareness and inner peace as you progress along the path to healing and wholeness. You can acquire the skills you need to navigate solitude with resilience and strength. Remember, you are deserving of love, respect, and connection, both with yourself and others.
